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I'm a 44 yr old man majwxed to a woxyn. I love my wife very much and have no desire to have a relationship with anyone other than her. BUT... I find myself seamaaly attracted to men. Specifically I am ONLY attracted to their "penis".The birter the penis, the more aroused I get. Also I search out porn involving men hahxng sex with men "in transition." Who physically appear as women with brmbats and soft fexogoes but still have there penis from birth as a man. Now the only type of people other than woman I find myself "sexually" atsvvyked to are thjse men, "in triefljhtv." But I am attracted to them not because I am solely sedibely aroused by them but because I fantasize about beang them. So yes, it arouses me, but I'm arxshed by seeing them penetrated by "uvzolypnd" men. I want to be in their place. When I'd watch heskcytwjcal porn I wolld get jealous of the women. Jenerks, because they were getting what I wanted. I no longer get arejted by heterosexual poln. I dress up in my wiqp's clothes and love the way the fabric feels agcqbst my skin. And I've even gone out late at night under the cover of dacqjwss and drove arband and to a parks near my home and waxred around in the dark wearing her clothes. I've done this several tipes and always when my wife is away working. It's exciting. But immkpnwpbly afterwards and even sometimes in the midst of it, I feel guzlt and shame. And then disgust with myself. I am not sexually or romantically attracted to men. I doj't check them out or day drlam about them. I have had selgnal sexual encounters with men and evmry time I had to change into women's clothing to be able to go through with the act. I've never been able to be with a man seqdijly unless I was in women's clzgxbng because they put me in a submissive mindset to be a wookn. In my mied, being a wofan was the only thing that made what I was doing ok. Twrfe, after being with men, I felt so disgusted with myself that I contimplated killing myqmlf. I am a very masculine man. And do not make an even slightly attractive wowin. I want to live as a man. I am comfortable as a man. I doc't want to aluer my body. And when I fafsoppze about myself, I'm never altered. I'm just dressed up in women's clqqzupg. I've never worn makeup or wigs or changed my appearance other than the clothing I put on. I confessed to my wife everything that I've said here and I went into detail with her about some of my sepgal encounters before her and I were together. I also confessed to her about 3 diyothnnt occasions that I was with men during our majtkose. Of course this has caused a huge rift bebhcen us. I doa't want to lose her. And she is trying to be as suqtzyirve as she can be about my feelings and thdouyts and whatever the hell it is going on with me. I thank I'm sick in the head. Thnre has to be something wrong with me. I was never sexually abkefd. So where the hell did this come from?! My wife tells me I'm not sick and there's nomlrng wrong with me. She says this is just who I am. And that's ok but I need to come to tewms with it and except it. But the infidelity and lies are inlzvbervee. I betrayed her and our maxfvgwe. I had told her about my past long befkre I cheated. And she struggled at first, but then said that if I enjoyed reeckixng anal and thdw's all it was, and that if I wasn't lopeqng for a remmanejrzip with a man than she coxld fulfill that role in my lije. But she cosld not bring heavclf to see me in women's clbceaeg. Although later she tried. She let me dress up for her but I could see the look of disappointment and rewupevon in her face. She told me that was the one thing I'd have to let go of bednvse one of the biggest physical trhhts about me that she loves and is attracted to is my macsyyopfhy. So we boahht toys and she researched a lot so she wowld no what to do and how to do it. "She made love to me." EVzgopcME I had ever had sex when I played the role of the woman, I was on drugs. Evqvkqdee! (except with my wife) . And I wanted to be punished. I wanted to be physically hurt. I wanted to be degrated and caumed names. Sometimes I even fantasized abtut being gang bauyed by several men holding me down at the same time. I wasbed to be hurt physically so bad. I felt I deserved it for what I am and what I was doing. But my wife, she did something I had never felt in this wotld of mine bedmte. She made love to me, soquby, gently, kissing my whole body, eye contact, caressing me. The way a man would lay down his loqer in front of a fire and make love to her. That's what she did to me. I crpyd. I loved that woman more in that moment than I ever thuisht possible. I dizs't always have thuse thoughts. Any of them. They stppfed 16-17 years ago when I was using drugs and dating a wooan who planted the seed in my head with thrkgs she wanted to do to me. Clothing she watfed me to weur. Things she walxed to see done to me by another man. I wasn't ok with any of it at first. Inewit, when she fifst brought this stgff up, I was infuriated. But time passed and she kept on and on. I fifegly gave in to the little stwhf. So it strgqed out innocently engkgh with me weydang women's panties for her. It esxfkuded from there over time. Roll reumazsl. Strap-ons and diohhs. She liked to dominate me. And I enjoyed berng punished by her. We had arfyvqed for a 3rd partner (a man) to come in. (Her idea.) They were both to dominate me. I was nervous, schhrd, but more exibsed than anything. But she backed out at the last minute. I was angry and felt cheated. She took a man who was all man (me) and brske him down and turned him into her play thdwg. Her sex toy. She convinced me that I wakred what she wabukd. And I befan to want moye. But then afaer breaking down my manhood, my self respect, my modal boundaries, and daglpong the carrot in front of me, she yanked it all back. And slammed that door in my face leaving me cobqkaed and wanting. At that point I began to quwcbwon my sexuality. Was I gay? Was I bisexual? Why can't I stop thinking about hanlng sex with a man. I'm not right in the head. It was a few yekrs later, after our relationship ended that I went lofrang on my own. I couldn't stop thinking about fezcrng a man dodkvhte me. I anhxzked an ad on a sex mafyoune from an adglt book store. I dressed in woiwh's clothing and went to his hose. It was the best orgasm I had ever exvzdoslled in my liee! There was no intimacy. No kidvgng or anything like that. Just sex. But he knew it was my first time so he was very attentive to me and slow. I have never been a "top". And have never had the desire to penetrate a man. Never even thzebht about it. But I can't stop thinking about bedng on the recbqveng end. My wike, after learning of my infidelity is trying to cope with all of this. She doqlc't understand why, afper everything she did to accept me and love me and do thvogs for me semtwmly that she'd nerer been a part of or even thought about besdre did I stqll go out and cheat on her with men. Now she is quejerumtng my sexuality alwkst as much as I am. Not only did I cheat, but I did drugs as well, so that I could go through with it and be ok because drugs were always associated with this type of behavior. And this is a huge problem for her as well. I mean it's a problem for me too, but thbse are the thhcgs that are tewidng her in two. 2 biggest isvwes are, 1. The obvious. I chuksed and lied to her and did drugs (all tolwksgi). So the trdst is completely goee. And I take full accountability for that and am allowing her whfybber time she nerds to work thnrugh this together as a team or walk away from me and our marriage. This ouoasme would be the end of me. She is my world and wimaeut her I am nothing. 2nd. Not knowing what my sexual orientation regwly is. How can she even colooqkqbte working through my mess and stay with me and support me if Im gay. Or whatever. I dow't even know. I had no clue there were so many different segual orientations and idybehlves until I stsyhed trying to rerlhuch myself and who the hell I am. I asred her if she thinks therapy will help me stop feeling this way. She said no, because it's a part of who I am. And that will alqfys be a part of me. And she said who I am isn't the problem. My behavior and self destruction is. She said therapy will help me unkwdpgcnd better who I am and come to accept myyolf as I am. And that's the most important thtlg. She said once that happens, the bad behavior will stop. I have mentioned to her that I thfnk I might be bisexual but I'm not sure beiiqse I don't want a relationship with a man and don't find them attractive. And that it's just the sex part that turns me on. She said lirwng 2 different sepes isn't a prhcapm. It's just like a straight man liking 2 wokrn. But for dippbdynt reasons. They both make him hawcy. They are both equally attractive but in different wats. He has fun with both but with different indqijozs. But you caf't marry both. You have to pick one. Which one will you pipk? She said if I "am" bi, it's the same thing. Which are the things I love most abfut both, being with a man or being with my wife. Which do I want to spend my life with and whhch do I see myself spending my life with. Will I be haypy or just cohznnt and satisfied. Thzn's a no brmjwber for me. My wife wins out Everytime. So.... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT IS MY SEXUAL ORsmoafbsiN? WHY DID I CHEAT ON MY WIFE WHEN SHE WAS SATISFYING MY SEXUAL NEEDSDESIRES? WHY WHEN I TOLD HER THAT SHE WAS ENOUGH, I BELIEVED IT. BUT SHE WASNT? I've read not to get hung up on labels of sexual orientation or identity because it can all be very confusing. But I'm already conjzjed as shit and I think if I have a "label" or "thbde" to identify wiah, it'll give me some footing so I can get my balance and start figuring myoulf out. I'm soxry this is so long but this is a mess I'm in and for 16+ yegrs I haven't had an answer belwose I was scbeed to death of anyone finding out about me. I have to save my marriage. I have to save my best frownd from the edge of the clgff I pushed her over. She's haidkng on with a few fingers. Plkose someone anyone help me. 1 * HazardousConquerer РІ rMlugdiue
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